My Babies

For my children.

All of them.

I want you to know that the deepest love for you began the instant I knew you are growing in my belly. I am grateful to God for allowing us to feel so much. Even pain. Without knowing pain, happiness, joy and love wouldn't mean as much.

The moment I found out I was pregnant I loved you. Took care of you. Dreamed of you. Had plans for you. Couldn't wait to name you and hold you.

On June 26th 2010 I fell in love with my third baby.

We were giddy and laughing at the news just as we were with your brothers.

July 15th we saw your tiny heart beat.

July 26th we learned that you wouldn't join us here on earth.

My heart broke.

Yes, I was only 8 weeks along. And yes, I know miscarriages are common. But, that doesn't make you less than. It doesn't mean you weren't loved. It doesn't mean you weren't my baby!

You are my baby and will always be my third baby. The baby that I hoped would complete this family. We already loved YOU and wanted YOU.

People love to say "when this happens it usually is for the best/things happen for a reason." I know they don't mean any harm and I know in my head that sounds good and is very likely true. But for my heart, no it's NOT the best. I should be holding my baby on March 6, 2011. I have learned to never say that to a hurting Mama, as if to brush away the situation making it feel insignificant.

I do trust in His plan. I must to find peace in the sadness. If there was a reason why my baby had to die there has to also be a reason that sweet bean was created and had a beating heart for 7 weeks.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

I couldn't sleep at night knowing you didn't get named. Healing was much easier once your Daddy and I named you. Lael means belonging to God. And that you do. We love you, Lael. I have Hope that there is a special place in Heaven for my baby bean Lael. One day my dreams of holding you and knowing you will come true.

My song for you, Lael, as I said goodbye..

Be near me Lord Jesus I ask you to stay. Close by me forever and love me I pray. Bless all he dear children in they tender care and fit us for Heaven to live with the there.

SPENCER, I want you to know how special and sweet you were to me the day we got the bad news. Your little ears hear it ALL so you had known for a while that there was a baby in my belly.

Me: Spencer, the baby may be sick. Not all babies get to be born like you and Campbell.

Spencer: "Oh mama, I am so sorry. Will the baby die"

Me: "The baby did die. But, it's okay. The baby will get to live in Heaven."

Spencer: "Mama I loved that baby. I'm gonna ask God to send us another one."

Spencer: "Can I kiss you on the lips and can I still kiss your belly?"

Several days later you were blowing bubbles outside.

Spencer: "Mama I'm blowing bubbles to God. I'm sending them up to the baby."

Me: That is so sweet. I know the baby will love that.

Spencer: "I'm sending love to God and sending love to the baby. And you know what? They are sending the love back to us. "

Campbell on that sad day you provided me with laughter. I had on a shirt with black sequins and you kept pointing and asking "What's that What's that?"I told you what they were and your replied ....

Campbell: "keyquins? I NOT like it!"

My babies, I love you all as high as the sky, as deep as the ocean and forever and ever Amen!